• James Hewlett


Counselling last night was really interesting and extremely valuable, I think.

Don’t get me wrong, nothing is fixed, not anywhere close, and I still have a whole lot more I want to say, but I think for right now we know where each other are honestly at and what that means for the immediate.

The person we spoke to was excellent. She heard us both out, gave us each all the time we needed to explain things, had input, called out BS and gave hard truths. It was exactly what we needed. Someone totally impartial to say a lot of the things I’m sure we have both thought. If it had come from one of us to the other it probably wouldn’t have gone down well, but for me at least hearing some of the stuff from her was confirming, some was eye opening and some was heart breaking.

But I found all of it helpful.

I wish Sara had been more willing to talk more recently, as I feel we could have got through a lot of the ground we covered here ourselves, but maybe that was the best venue for it.

The conclusion the councillor came to was that right now, we’re not wanting the same thing and if we were going to regular sessions we would both be going in with different agendas and it would make matters worse. She really hopes that in the future we are in a place where we both want the same thing and can start going to regular appointments to work on things, but right now her suggestion was that Sara keeps going to the separate councillor she has seen a couple of times and that if I would find it helpful that I go back there.

I think I might go for at least one more. We’ll see after that.

So where we stand at the moment is this, Sara is still living in the rented room she’s been at and I’m at home. She’s going to work, I’m going to work. We are living our lives as much as we can. Just… apart. I’m finding it really hard to write the word separated. But I guess that’s at least better than some alternatives.

That’s not to say things can’t change and we can’t work on things in the future. I certainly want that. But there is no point trying to force it if Sara isn’t responsive to it at the moment. So I’m not going to.

For now then, as hard as it is going to be for me, I am going to leave Sara be.

I really hope she reaches out and wants to begin the process of attempting to put the broken pieces back together, but I’m not going to force it. I’m just going to try to carry on.

I think I might get a new tattoo.

Friends and family who have been patiently waiting to know what the fuck is going on, I hope this helps. I’ll give you some backstory in private sometime as this isn’t the place for that right now.

Now, I am going to call it there as I am going to get very very drunk and inevitably fall asleep on the sofa as no one seems to be around to either go out or to come round and play some games. Oh well.


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