©2017 by James Hewlett.

  • James Hewlett

Strange Attractions


I actually wrote this one a little while ago and wasn’t sure if it was just something for me or something I wanted to publish as a blog post or not.

I’ve been busy at the final draft day of the summer today though (recap tomorrow) and haven’t written anything new so I thought, why not just use this.

It’s a bit glum, it’s a bit woe is me, it’s also quite insightful and I think more people feel similarly than are usually willing to admit.

I’m not ashamed of any of it, and I want to stress that I’m alright, I’m mostly happy and in a pretty good place mentally and emotionally. I also want to make a point of saying this isn’t at all targeted at anyone other than myself and I hope it doesn’t effect my relationships with anyone. Please feel free to talk to me about anything I’ve written, or anything in general. I’m an open book. Oh, the picture of Austin is something I found on Reddit, man I love that city and the picture of the moon is by a good friend of mine from the other night.

On with the show.

What does is say about me that I’m always attracted to people who have issues, that ‘need fixing.’

I’ve learnt that not only can I not, but I don’t want to and try not to ‘fix’ people, but I’m always more attracted to people who have got their own shit.

Jon thinks it’s because of the way we were raised. I think that’s a cop out and laying blame at someone else’s feet the way he tends to do.

We’re all responsible for our own shit. Sure our backgrounds and upbringing will help shape and form us into who we become but we are all ultimately responsible for that person.

I bounce back and forth trying to figure out just why it is that I have the preferences I do. I certainly have never gone out of my way looking for it and it’s only on reflection that I noticed a clear pattern. I’ve dated people who emotionally and mentally have all their ducks in a row and I’ve never found a connected or deeper attraction to them.

Then there’s the relationships that have really meant something to me and the one thing that connects them all...

There’s the option that misery loves company; that I connect with people who are likeminded and troubled and we bounce off each other.

It could be a hero complex; I know I have a strong desire to try and resolve and fix things and until relatively recently couldn’t comprehend the fact that there are a lot of things that can’t be fixed, but that doesn’t mean I can’t help in other ways.

Maybe it is a case I connect to people who have issues worse than mine as it makes me feel better about myself and keeps my own shit hidden away in the shadows.

Or there’s the chance, the one I try and convince myself is the case, that I feel a closer bond to those who have been through shit because I have too; I can relate, we can share, we can prop each other up and help each other grow, heal and be stronger together.

I think in all likelihood there are elements of all of it in there. As with everything though, knowing is more than half the battle. I am aware of my quirks, tendencies and preferences. I’m not trying to change them or necessarily fix them, but by being aware of them it allows me to make sensible decisions, to grow and develop and be a better person.

If that’s not the ultimate goal of life then I don’t know what is.

#selfreflection #selfimprovement #selfcare #mentalhealth #relationships #broken #makingthingsright #consistency #midlifecrisis #rollercoasters #alone #emotions #contemplative