How Am I?
That’s the real question isn’t it?
I get asked it often, sometimes just politely without any depth, sometimes by people who really want to know.
More often than not I’ll give the same few responses of, “Yeah, not bad thanks, you?”
Or some variation. Mostly deflecting the question away from me.
It’s not that I’m trying to hide the fact that I’m often not actually all that alright, it’s more a case or not wanting to talk about it or more specifically not wanting to talk about it with the person asking so I deflect in order to be polite and hopefully not leave the asker worried.
The truth is though that it really varies day to day, shit, hour to hour really.
I’m doing okay. There’s really very little that could be done to improve anything, but that doesn’t mean I’m all good by any stretch.
That’s okay though. It’s alright to not be alright.
It’s simply not realistic to believe that everything is going to be okay at all times. For far too long everyone tries to make out that it is and it is just a defence mechanism.
I’m done with that though. Sure I’ll probably still be polite and say that I’m not too bad and move along most of the time when someone asks but I’m not going to lie to myself.
I’m well aware of the stuff I have going on in my head, the bad and the good; my anxieties, my depression, my resolve and dedication, my resilience. That’s the melting pot that everything else goes into that makes me, me.
I know what makes me happy, I know what makes me sad. I don’t have control over all those things and that makes it hard to manage everything sometimes but being aware of it all allows me to keep moving forward without any hesitation.
I may stumble and only be able to look down and where I’m stood temporarily at times, but I am still a hopepunk through and through; I still believe completely that somehow, someway, someday the good things I want for my life will come to fruition, even if it is only temporary.
Part of being a hopepunk is believing in that despite everything else in the world, including rational thought, telling you it isn’t going to happen.
That’s just who I am though. I wouldn’t ever want to change that.