I’m feeling pretty shit today if I’m being totally honest. Everything in my life feels uncertain at the moment and it’s leaving me with a deep sense of lack of control. As a person who, for as free spirited as I feel a lot of the time, I thrive on having some structure and sense of what it of I’m doing.
My job situation is a question mark, my future is a question mark, my love life is a question mark, what I should be doing is a question mark.
Some of it is self imposed, some of it is out of my control and there’s a dose of mixed stuff in there too.
I don’t have answers for any of it at the moment and I’m not even sure there are answers to be had.
Then of course I do the very typically me thing of going, oh shut up James there’s people who have it so much worse than you stop complaining.
But I know that that is a bullshit antiquated way of thinking. Downplaying your own shit based on other people’s struggles is no different to judging yourself too harshly based on the glorified persona someone puts out into the world. They’re two sides of the same coin. And it’s a shitty penny that should be discarded completely.
I know that it’s okay for me to feel crap, but by acknowledging that I am it’s scary because it then feels like something I have to deal with and confront. Downplaying it is a defence, no, it’s a deflection tactic. I don’t have to confront my problems if I don’t think about them because someone else out there has bigger problems.
I’m not writing this because I want your help with any of it either. While the intention is great and lovely, doing so is also a deflection and doesn’t really help anything in the long run. This is my own burden to bare and get through one way or another.
I might wake up tomorrow feeling amazing. I might have a year where I feel fantastic and still have stuff that I have to deal with. Or I might feel pretty down in the dumps for a little while. I don’t know that either but it’s weirdly the uncertainty I’m least concerned about at the moment.
Oh yeah, just before I sign off on this very morose Monday I wanted to include this brief interaction with my best friend. We hadn’t spoken about me feeling down, but we’ve been friends for so long that there’s an intuition.
Please note that the way I’m feeling has absolutely nothing to do with that, I just thought it was fucking funny.